Updated: Nov 23, 2018
Today I am broadcasting live from our kitchen at home, up to my neck in bubble wrap, crisp packets, plastic bags, cereal boxes and sellotape. Why? Well, Richard's latest homework assignment from school instructed the children to construct a 'Stig of The Dump' themed outfit from trash. Marvellous. Trust this one to land when Tom's in LA for two weeks.
Of course, by 'instructed the children to construct', what I actually mean is 'instructed the parents' who have all been desperately scoffing bags of crisps and collecting 10p Aldi bags like they're going out of fashion to assemble enough resources to produce a passable outfit within a week's deadline. I wondered if the school would accept a costume made entirely from wine corks and Bounty wrappers. Probably not.
To make matters slightly more interesting, the kids will be modelling their rubbish outfits on an actual catwalk in front of the whole upper school and at least sixty competitive parents.
Anyway, Richard and I have just finished making his costume, leaving behind a veritable landfill where my lovely kitchen once stood.
A year ago, Lyall had a similar 'Sports' themed assignment. As a firm believer that homework is designed exclusively for the kids and not for a harrassed/busy 37 year old, regretfully I encouraged Lyall to produce his own outfit under very little supervision.
Without reviewing the resulting rubbish costume (unfortunately I don't just mean 'made of rubbish'), I waved Lyall off in the playground on the morning of his Trashion Show. That afternoon, at the event in the school hall, Lyall's peers were showing off their very impressive crisp packet football kits, bubble wrap ballet tutus, tin-foil chainmail tops and cardboard robot costumes. Meanwhile Lyall confidently swaggered out onto the catwalk wearing what can only be described as a precarious, transparent bubble wrap toga stuck together with a whole roll of insulation tape, Aldi bags wrapped around his shoes and half a Shredded Wheat box on his head. Fortunately Lyall was wearing his PE shorts underneath his see-through toga, avoiding any real embarrassment.
While I struggled for costume ideas for Richard, Grandma Jenny came to the rescue with some big cotton Barclays Bank cash sacks and a gold 1990s sequin top.
Cutting arm slits in the bank sacks and stapling the rectangular back of the gold top to the middle, I managed to create an admirable yellow jogging tabard.
For the bottom half I stapled some bubble wrap into the shape of shorts and made a belt buckle out of a Bounty packet (an excuse to scoff a delicious Bounty).
To complete the ensemble, we (I) made a pair of sandals from the back of a cereal box and two strips of foam packaging. To be honest, it didn't look half bad and Richard and I stood back with our hands on our hips to admire our creation, all laid out on the dining table. I mean, it's not strictly 'Stig of the Dump' related but I'm sure we can come up with an emergency explanation if required. I'm thinking 'Sporty Stig' or something. Richard wrote his initials on the gold panel in tipex, to make it look a little less contrived. Success!
Now to clear up this horrendous mess 🙄
(I actually wrote this at the weekend - here's today's 'Trashion Show' official pic!)